FAQ

The fear of a fight when setting a boundary is understandable, as boundaries can often sound like an ultimatum. However, boundaries set from the emotional Amygdala State (when you are triggered) are threats, while boundaries set from the rational Pilot State are simply facts about your self-care.

The goal is to communicate the boundary as a clear, factual statement of your needs and the consequence you will take (not what the other person must do).

• Preparation (Pilot State):
• Time: Never set a boundary during a fight or when your heart is racing. Wait until you are calm and the relationship is stable.
• Focus: Define your boundary clearly before speaking. A boundary is about protecting your space, your time, or your mental health.
• Formulate as a Fact (Not an Attack):
• A Boundary is a choice you make for yourself. It is communicated as an "If/Then" statement.
• Instead of Threatening: "If you yell at me again, I'm going to leave you."
• Try: "If the conversation involves yelling, I will hang up the phone. I need to protect my ears and my composure."
• Explain the "Why" (Empathy):
• Briefly explain the reason for the boundary without blaming the other person, which invites collaboration instead of defensiveness.
• "I need to go to bed by 10 PM. If we are still watching TV at 10, I will turn it off and leave the room, because my sleep is a non-negotiable health priority."

The take-away: You are not responsible for the other person's reaction to your boundary (they can be triggered, their Amygdala might fire). You are only responsible for delivering your boundary in a calm, clear, and non-attacking way (from the Pilot State).

For more information go to the page Triggers.